Stages Of Grief And Loss

Grief and loss cannot be avoided, at some point in our lives we all will deal with the stages of grief and loss in some form. It comes in many different forms such as the death of a loved one, losing a job, loss of our health, loss of a beloved pet or losing a spouse through divorce to name a few. Regardless of what the loss is, according to Kubler-Ross, there are five stages of loss that are common to everyone. These are all feelings and emotions that almost everyone dealing with loss will incur at some point: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

The first stage of denial, in the stages of grief and loss, is usually the initial reaction that a person has when they first experience a loss. During this stage the person struggles to realize what has happened and are in a sort of shock. They often react in a manner of “This is not happening to me” as they try to cope. There is a sort of numbness and disbelief as they try to adapt to the sudden change. During this stage a person is using their built-in defense mechanisms to help them deal with the initial issue at hand. Most people don’t stay in this stage as long as the others.

Stage two is that of anger. They are often asking the question “Why is this happening?” The process of neginning to accept that is has happened turns to anger that it is true and that whatever or whomever they have lost is now gone. Losing a loved one to things like cancer or accidents that suddenly take them can bring this anger out. We wonder why and get angry at the form of god we may believe in, or at whomever we percieve to have caused the loss. This anger is another coping mechanism that helps us focus our attention on someone or something else as a means of deflecting the pain.

Next is the bargaining stage where a person finds themselves trying to make deals as a means of trying to change the outcome. We find ourselves thinking things like “just bring him/her back and I will never be angry with them again”. Sometimes a person will reach this stage and then revert back to the anger stage when the outcome they had hoped and bargained for does not happen. Often, once they get past the anger stage again they move directly into stage four.

The fourth stage of the five stages of grief and loss, is depression.A person has gotten past both the initial shock and the anger stage. At this point they understand that bargaining won’t bring back what they have lost and are faced with the reality of having to accept it. At this point they can become severely depressed thinking about and trying to live without whomever it is they have lost. They feel a large void and it seems like all of their thoughts and feelings are focused on what is missing. This is perhaps the stage people can find themselves in for the longest period of time. The length of time and the degree of depression will vary depending on both the person going through it and the loss the have incurred. If you find the depression becomes too severe, professional counseling may be needed to help you cope with it. Brighter days are ahead once you find a way to overcome it.

The final stage of the grief and lossprocess is acceptance. The person going through this process finds a way to accept what has happened and are willing to move forward. Moving forward does not mean that there won’t be days when you still feel grief. A birthday or some other special time comes around that reminds you of them and you still grieve to some degree. The difference is the person feels it, and walks through it without letting it affect them in a negative way any more. We move forward with life anyway, remembering them at appropriate times but not letting the loss consume us.

We all go through this process in our own time, there is no set time limit to any of these stages. Work through each stage in ways and time frames that you are comfortable with, don’t try to rush through the grief process. It is a process and if you try and rush it, it may do more harm than good. We are all individual people and should be given the time and support required to work through it in our own time and in a way that brings us comfort.

Please also understand that at times you may also feel different stages of the five stages of grief and loss at the same time. You may be feel depressed and angry at the same time for example. The important thing is that you are working through it and will come out the other side in your own time. Also remember that you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with seeking professional help if you feel overwhelmed. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you peace and success in coming to a place of acceptance on your journey.

Our culture is notoriously neglectful when it comes to teaching our children about grief, loss and change. In a day and age in which technology rules, the meaning and importance of dealing with the aftermath of massive changes is left to pure chance.

In particular, the death of a loved one is a universal experience. Everyone grieves, if they have any sort of emotional investment in the person who died. Given the fact that loss is a continuous and ongoing part of life (we grieve for many losses other than the death of a loved one), taking the taboo off of expressing emotion and openly grieving, is essential. It would eliminate much unnecessary suffering.

We can start reversing the trend by helping our children balance the negative cultural view about grief. What can we teach our children about grief, and about the universal response to the loss of something valued? Here are five concepts to be developed and discussed with them.

1. Grief and suffering are inevitable. Everybody has to deal with massive changes in their lives since everything constantly changes and ends. No one likes to dwell on this fact of life. Likewise, the fact that suffering is bound to occur and must be faced, is consistently sidestepped. But change and suffering do cycle into and out of life, and should not be considered anything other than a condition of human existence.

2. Grief (the internal process) and the way we mourn (the external process) is highly individual. No two people respond to loss in the same way. The reason is that no two people have an identical emotional investment or relationship with the person who died or the object of loss. This is critical to understand in families. Grief and mourning naturally will differ.

3. The entire process of loss, grief, and adaptation to a new environment without the person or object of loss, is natural. Grief is a normal human response, not in any way, shape, or forms a sign of weakness. We are built to release the emotions we generate by expressing them through the grief process. It is healthy to grieve our losses, and it takes much time and patience to do so.

4. Grief is a response to love. We are made to love and help each other. Love is the most powerful force in dealing with life in all its manifestations. It is particularly painful to have a loved one no longer physically present and when that person dies a part of us dies. However, love lives on; it never dies (something every child should learn). Grief automatically flows from our love, although its outward expression cannot fully capture the love it represents. Choosing to love means choosing to grieve; they are very much intertwined.

5. Grief teaches us much about life and about ourselves. We learn the importance of appreciating quality interpersonal relationships, helping others, understanding the way we express our feelings, and how to go about reinvesting in life. We often learn to view the world in a new way. Grieving is a developmental experience because we learn many things, not the least of which is to appreciate the little things in life.

Teach children about grief by talking the above five concepts, and using the terminology that best fits your listeners, help them to understand the normalcy of sadness and the healing path of love. Be willing to cry in front of children when it is normal to do so given the situation. We can become positive grief models for the young and in doing so save them much unnecessary suffering.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com